18 December 2007

The Official Euro Cyclist Code of Conduct

1. Image and style shall be your primary concern. Winning races is an added talent, and only counts if said euro cyclist wins with appropriate style.

2. You shall NEVER, under any circumstances, wear plain black spandex shorts or any team kit containing non-prominent Logo's.

3. The Socks must extend no less than 1cm below the main bulge of your calf muscle, and shall never extend further than 2cm past the primary calf muscle bulge . All socks shall be white in colour with prominent logo placement.

4. Cycling shoes must be of white colour only! - in certain circumstances, other colours, such as world
cup stripes are perfectly acceptable and encouraged.

5. If white cycling shoes are not available where you reside, white booties with prominent logo's shall always be worn.

6. You're bike frame must contain more than 3 colours, and must always fit tastefully with your wheel selection.

7. Zipp's are to be used as training wheels ONLY. You shall race only on Lightweights and occasionally Bora's if no lightweights are accessible.

8. Ridiculously stylish eye wear is to be worn at all time without exception.

9. In most circumstances, hair shall be kept neatly short, and matching helmet shall be worn (again with prominent logo placement). Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES shall a clashing helmet colour be worn with your euro kit.

10. In several cases, it is deemed acceptable to have long hair. In this event, hair shall be neatly slicked back in maximum euro-styling, and helmet shall not be worn. Stylish sport eyewear shall be worn at all times while exercising this option.

11. A prominent line where your kit ends and where your tan begins is essential to your image. Artificial tanning is banned, the tan shall reflect the level of training commitment.

12. All podium shots (pictures) shall be taken with the euro-rider wearing team kit and appropriately matching casual euro shoes (such as puma's). Socks shall remain within the guidelines above.

13. The seat shall ALWAYS be white along with the handlebar tape, and must be made in Italy or France.
- Exception to this rule are seats or handlebar tape containing the following colours: WorldCup Stripes,
Olympic Gold, Italian flag colour combo (green red white).

14. You shall not, under any circumstances, acknowledge the presence of a cyclist riding a bike costing less than $4000 in a public place. This could be severely detrimental to your image.

15. Legs will be shaved year-round. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS.

16. Nothing short of All Carbon Water bottle cages shall be used. The only exception is gold (the metal) bottle cages which can be preferable in some situations where colour coordination is key (this is always).

17. Facial hair will be restricted to a goatee, and even this is discouraged. Mustaches are EXPRESSLY PROHIBITED.

18. Ceramic bearings shall be used at all time on both training and race bikes.

19. Campagnolo shall be the only acceptable componentry and is hereby deemed superior to ANY Shimano product in ALL circumstances. You are expected to have nothing less than an ENTIRE campy grouppo. Crank substitutions are NOT permitted.

20. ALL wheels shall be equiped with tubulars, regardless of your ability in gluing them.

21.You shall NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, associate with triathletes. It is FORBIDDEN to have any number inked onto your body before a race.

22. Any physical activity, other than cycling, is STRONGLY DISCOURAGED. This includes any form of running or swimming and their derivatives (this includes walking).

22. You shall never rearrange your package while riding. Adjustments regarding seating/hanging comfort are to be done in private in order to preserve image.

23. In a circumstance where any cyclist ever displays aggression or disrespect towards you, you shall ride up uncomfortably close to them and slap them in the face with your team issue gloves. (which must be white)

24. MTB gloves are FORBIDDEN. Cycling gloves will be slick, white, and have minimal padding. Padding will be beige or white in colour.

25. In the event a motorist disturbs your ride, you shall proceed to ride up beside the car, form a clenched fist and bang the trunk of the car while doing your best attempt to sound irritated in Italian. Wild arm/head are strongly encouraged to enhance the apparent rage.

26. When riding, sans helmet, a team issue cycling cap, preferably white, should be worn (depending on the hairstyle). The bill shall remain in the downward position at all times. Cycling cap can be worn forwards or backwards to coincide with current hairstyle.

sambrower via facebook (see comments)

2 comments:

TOM said...

Thanks for posting this James! I love it (the hardcore Eurocentrist philosophy)...almost all of these stipulations make perfect sense. I still prefer the Shimano shifting system over Campa though and will not shave my legs in winter!

mob said...

I think item #1 on the list truely reflects y thinking. Seriously.

Apart from this, when I made the podium in Hitachi-Naka this year, I followed item #12 and wore my blue team jersey (TEAM GDR).

Otherwise...I would disagree. Campagnolo componentry is not very stylish in my opinon. Please compare this to the Ultrega SL.